


garreg mach academy presents: the meme alliance, the disaster kingdom, and the chaos empire

by spaghetti crest (FuzzyPurplePenguins)



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Adrestian Chaos Empire, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Black Eagles Constance, Black Eagles Flayn, Black Eagles Yuri, Blue Lions Byleth, Blue Lions Hapi, Chatting & Messaging, Claude von Riegan is a Meme Lord, Disaster Kingdom of Faerghus, F/F, F/M, Gen, Golden Deer Balthus, Golden Deer Brielle, I Just Wanted Everyone to Be Silly and Happy, I Played Crimson Flower and Verdant Wind Back to Back, Leicester Meme Alliance, M/M, Short Chapters, This is crack, pure silliness, texts, thanks joe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:54:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25713118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuzzyPurplePenguins/pseuds/spaghetti%20crest
Summary: sir im fragile: did you show him your ‘goddess statue’art boner: HILDA!!!leosbian: that's a big fat yes your honoror: a modern gc AU where Byleth (m!my unit) and Brielle (f!my unit) Eisner are second-year students at Garreg Mach Academy with the rest of the (crazy) gang.
Relationships: Annette Fantine Dominic & Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Annette Fantine Dominic/Mercedes von Martritz, Balthazar von Adalbrecht | Balthus von Albrecht & Hilda Valentine Goneril, Dimitri & Felix & Ingrid & Sylvain, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & My Unit | Byleth, Dorothea Arnault/Bernadetta von Varley, Felix Hugo Fraldarius & Sylvain Jose Gautier, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Hilda Valentine Goneril & Claude von Riegan, Marianne von Edmund & Bernadetta von Varley, My Unit | Byleth & Claude von Riegan, My Unit | Byleth & Hapi, Raphael Kirsten/Ignatz Victor
Comments: 39
Kudos: 61





	1. attention all deer, doe, gender-fluid antler people, and Mayo Men

**Author's Note:**

> hello all, tis i, the spaghetti crest, here to deliver some old fe3h memes and a lot of crack in yet another group chat fic
> 
> i honestly can't write anything else these days, really...
> 
> so. Here's the Deal. For the moment, each chapter is going to be one conversation between the Golden Deer, Blue Lions, or Black Eagles. We're rotating baby. On occasion I will add a chapter of conversations between members of different houses for fLAVOR, and because I'll probably ship things between the houses aNYWAY.
> 
> Ship tags are barren because I haven't decided on anything besides Raphael/Ignatz, although knowing me Dimiclaude is a high possibility. I'll leave a guide to u/ns in the end notes; you'll probably be able to tell who is who anyways.
> 
> Enjoy.

**meme alliance (10)**

_ 84 abs, art boner, cheese eisner, leosbian, let there be meat, no 1 queer deer, Not A Child, sir im fragile, Sir Mayonnaise, talented brilliant incredible _

no 1 queer deer: attention all deer, doe, gender-fluid antler people, and Mayo Men

Sir Mayonnaise: Claude, please.

no 1 queer deer: gather around, for i have news to tell

cheese eisner: did you poison yourself again

no 1 queer deer: not this time no

Not A Child: It’s only a matter of time, really.

no 1 queer deer: i should be offended by that

no 1 queer deer: but you’re right so i’ll let it slide, child

Not A Child: Refer to my Username.

leosbian: hot take - claude and lysithea are the “what do you have?” “a knife!” “NO!” vine but in reverse

sir im fragile: CLAUDE IS THE CHILD

84 abs: ur all childrn

Not A Child: Every time Albrecht comes online his typing gives me a migraine.

Not A Child: Why do you do this?

84 abs: jst 2 annoy u pipsqueak

no 1 queer deer: balthus is truly a member of the meme alliance

sir im fragile: *wipes nonexistent tear*

talented brilliant incredible: Uhm, not to be rude but...Claude...didn’t you have something to tell us

no 1 queer deer: rIGHT thank you marianne i had forgotten

Sir Mayonnaise: Your brain is swiss cheese, Claude, honestly.

leosbian: another case of lorenz sliding into the gc only to insult claude i cANT 

no 1 queer deer: that’s lord antler to your miss pinelli

sir im fragile: claude!!! STOP WITH THE SUSPENSE

no 1 queer deer: oh uh 

no 1 queer deer: professor whatshisface decided to slip away silently into the night so now we have no class professor

no 1 queer deer: plus side, no classes for two days ?

Not A Child: HOW IS THAT A PLUS?

Not A Child: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PASS THE SPECIAL EXAMS WITHOUT ANY GUIDANCE

Not A Child: THEY’RE A WEEK AWAY!!

cheese eisner: i’ll help you study lysithea

art boner: Can I come? I’m worried about passing my Assassin certification...

sir im fragile: iggy youre gonna b the most wholesome assassin ever i cant wait for everyone to be scared of our small archer boii

84 abs: if u bcom an assassin cn u take out som of the ppl i owe debt

art boner: Uhm...

Sir Mayonnaise: I loathe to agree with Lysithea, but your spelling is truly a nightmare, Balthus.

84 abs: thx

_**~tbc** _


	2. felix learns one (1) faith spell and suddenly thinks he’s a healer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is now a mix of Modern Setting + FE3H Setting. I don't even know.
> 
> Enjoy the Blue Lions being disasters, you guys.

**we don’t claim sylvain (10)**

_ aannnniiee, angry cat, big sigh, cookie dealer, dimaaa, fish eisner, how do you dedue, this just ingrid, Thot 4 Sale, wholesome _

_ 3:09 am _

big sigh: which one of you fuckers is screaming at three in the morning

angry cat: it’s sylvain. i punched him.

big sigh: nevermind then

Thot 4 Sale: THAT FUCKING HURT, FELIX

Thot 4 Sale: WHAT THE FUCK

angry cat: you came into my room in the middle of the night fuck off.

dimaaa: ...Should I take him to the infirmary, Felix?

angry cat: he’s fine.

Thot 4 Sale: YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE

angry cat: and.

fish eisner: This is too much for ass o clock

fish eisner: We have an exam today

fish eisner: WHY

aannnniiee: Are you worried about the exam Byleth!! You can come study with me!! I’m in the common room!! I HAVE BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!

wholesome: Oh no, Annette, how many energy drinks have you had?

aannnniiee: I lost count after five!!!!!!!!!

big sigh: how the fuck are you not dead

aannnniiee: MAGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

angry cat: what the fuck annette. don’t move. i’m coming to knock you out so you can sleep.

Thot 4 Sale: Felix learns one (1) faith spell and suddenly thinks he’s a healer

Thot 4 Sale: OW HE PUNCHED ME AGAIN

fish eisner: i heard it

fish eisner: My condolences

dimaaa: I’m going to take him to the infirmary, everyone try to get some rest please 💙

wholesome: Yes! Sleep is important guys!

big sigh: i appreciate only one man in this world and its the wholesome king ashe duran

fish eisner: Big mood

wholesome: I love you guys too!!!!!!

angry cat: annette is sleeping. see you fuckers in the morning.

_ 7:34 am _

this just ingrid: Hey quick question...what the fuck?

this just ingrid: Why was Sylvain in your room at 3 in the morning, Felix?

angry cat: don’t know. don’t care.

cookie dealer: Poor Annie...we really should try to limit her caffeine intake.

big sigh: yeah gl with that

big sigh: i’d say that’s the same difficulty as fighting a demonic beast 1v1

fish eisner: You’d know

big sigh: you accidentally summon a demonic beast in the middle of the academy courtyard ONE TIME and nobody ever lets you FORGET IT

how do you dedue: Have you met us?

big sigh: …

big sigh: a point was made

wholesome: Good morning everyone! I saved us a table in the dining hall!

fish eisner: MY CHILD

_**~tbc** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who wants to guess who the admin of we don't claim sylvain is ahahahahahahahahaha
> 
> blue lions usernames:  
> Annette - aannnniiee  
> Ashe - wholesome  
> Byleth - fish eisner  
> Dedue - how do you dedue  
> Dimitri - dimaaa  
> Felix - angry cat  
> Hapi - big sigh  
> Ingrid - this just ingrid  
> Mercedes - cookie dealer  
> Sylvain - Thot 4 Hire


	3. MY FISTS ARE FULL OF ENERGY I CANT WAIT TO PUNCH THINGS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello i have returned
> 
> this time: the eagles of black have arrived with their chaos. enjoy.

**the tea agenda (11)**

_ Actual Princess, bernie bear, Coco, coffee grounds, dorothea’s hat, edie, fishsticks, here sir have a dagger, im sleepy boii, Majestic Hair von Aegir, smol but wild _

edie: Good morning everyone. I hope you all had a refreshing night’s sleep and are ready to tackle our Advanced Exams.

smol but wild: OYEA IM READY TO GO

smol but wild: MY FISTS ARE FULL OF ENERGY I CANT WAIT TO PUNCH THINGS

Actual Princess: Good of the mornings, Edelgard, Caspar! I will slay these exams with all of the might in my body! 

coffee grounds: Who. Threw. The. Coffee. Out.

bernie bear: EEEEEEEK

bernie bear: IT WASNT ME HUBERT GO AWAY IM TOO YOUNG TO DIE

dorothea’s hat: Calm down, Bernie, big bad Hubert’s not going to hurt you unless he wants a faceful of Thoron.

im sleepy boii: get a friend like dorothea

edie: Oh my, Linhardt, you’re actually awake?

im sleepy boii: unfortunately

here sir have a dagger: oi hubie sorry to inform you but hapi used the last of the coffee

here sir have a dagger: there’s been trouble shipping in beans from dagda

dorothea’s hat: Just watched a man stab a fork through a dining hall table

edie: ...Hubert, I’m going to have to pay for that.

coffee grounds: Apologies.

im sleepy boii: you dont look sorry

Coco: Dear Hubert! What an uncouth action unfitting of nobility such as yourself!

here sir have a dagger: oh good constance is here

Coco: I do not appreciate your sarcasm, Yuri!

Majestic Hair von Aegir: Not to worry, Lady Constance! I appreciate your input always!

dorothea’s hat: Okay Hair von Aegir we get it

edie: Enough. All of you should come have breakfast. It’s going to be a busy day today. We must beat the other two houses on our exams.

here sir have a dagger: ok princess if you insist

Actual Princess: I SHALL SLAY THESE EXAMS WITH THE UTMOST VIGOR

smol but wild: YEA LETS DO THIS

edie: ...Why do I even try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> black eagles usernames:  
> Bernadetta - bernie bear  
> Caspar - smol but wild  
> Constance - Coco  
> Dorothea - dorothea’s hat  
> Edelgard - edie  
> Ferdinand - Majestic Hair von Aegir  
> Flayn - fishsticks  
> Hubert - coffee grounds  
> Linhardt - im sleepy boii  
> Petra - Actual Princess  
> Yuri - here sir have a dagger
> 
> see you all next time~


	4. dont upset our tank, lorenz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the meme alliance are back...prepare yourselves.
> 
> reclusivedragon asked about discord. because they asked, and because my best friend is a terrible enabler (i love you), i made a server. come join us. https://discord.gg/U7bBEV
> 
> enjoy and remember...FEAR THE DEER.

**meme alliance (10)**

_ 84 abs, art boner, cheese eisner, leosbian, let there be meat, no 1 queer deer, Not A Child, sir im fragile, Sir Mayonnaise, talented brilliant incredible _

let there be meat: FRIENDS I HAVE RETURNED

no 1 queer deer: hey there raph, finally got your phone fixed huh

let there be meat: YES

let there be meat: SETETH WAS ANGRY ):

Sir Mayonnaise: Considering it is our third week in school, and you have already broken six different phones, I am not surprised.

let there be meat: ):

leobian: dont upset our tank, lorenz

no 1 queer deer: yea lorenz be nice

sir im fragile: YEA LORENZ

Sir Mayonnaise: Why are you all yelling at me? All I did was point out a fact!

cheese eisner: you spoke

no 1 queer deer: OH DAMN

84 abs: did tat hrt mayo mn

Sir Mayonnaise: I dislike you.

84 abs: evry1 says tat

Not A Child: AGAIN.

Not A Child: I come online and see Balthus’ UTTER NONSENSE IN MY MENTIONS. WHY.

sir im fragile: hey lysithea i think i saw a ghost in the dining hall last night

Not A Child: WHY, HILDA. WHY.

no 1 queer deer: we thrive off the tears of you and lorenz

leosbian: mostly lorenz

art boner: Raph! You finally got a new phone. I’m glad.

let there be meat: IGNATZ YEA HEY DO YOU WANNA GO GET LUNCH

art boner: Oh...uh. I’ll be right there.

let there be meat: GREAT ITS A DATE

no 1 queer deer: oho

sir im fragile: oho

cheese eisner: oho

leosbian: oho

talented brilliant incredible: Not to be a downer but...this is why no one likes us…

no 1 queer deer: preposterous

no 1 queer deer: everyone likes me

Sir Mayonnaise: I think you will find they like me, and not you, Claude. After all, I am the pinnacle of nobility. Unlike yourself.

cheese eisner: that’s not what the upperclassmen say

leosbian: BRIELLE COMING FOR THE THROAT TODAY

no 1 queer deer: savage brielle best brielle

cheese eisner: i joined the golden deer for a reason

cheese eisner: now if you’ll excuse me i’m off to go fish with my brother, flayn, and linhardt

no 1 queer deer: have FUN and remember

no 1 queer deer: FEAR THE DEER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> meme alliance usernames:  
> Balthus - 84 abs  
> Brielle - cheese eisner  
> Claude - no 1 queer deer  
> Hilda - sir im fragile  
> Ignatz - art boner  
> Leonie - leosbian  
> Lorenz - Sir Mayonnaise  
> Lysithea - Not A Child  
> Marianne - talented brilliant incredible  
> Raphael - let there be meat
> 
> will lorenz ever get the respect he deserves? how many fish will byleth and brielle catch? will raphael break another phone? stay tuned to find out.


	5. There are buckets on all the tables and benches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the last chapter for today. PROBABLY.
> 
> did i use ashe’s japanese last name last blue lions chapter because i don’t like his english one? Yes, Yes I Did.
> 
> Here is the new permanent invite for our meme alliance anonymous server. https://discord.gg/5uYrNEC
> 
> Come join us, I love you all and want to include your input into this fic as it continues to grow. 
> 
> Enjoy.

**we don’t claim sylvain (10)**

_ aannnniiee, angry cat, big sigh, cookie dealer, dimaaa, fish eisner, how do you dedue, this just ingrid, Thot 4 Sale, wholesome _

how do you dedue: Would anyone like to enlighten us on why the Blue Lions classroom is filled with buckets of fish?

angry cat: what.

dimaaa: Did you say buckets of FISH?

Thot 4 Sale: Much less fun then buckets of cobfshjngdsfjjnvdsj

Thot 4 Sale: This is Ingrid. I’m confiscating Sylvain’s phone until dinner.

big sigh: finally some peace

aannnniiee: Wait! What about the fish? I’M SO CURIOUS!!!!!

cookie dealer: Oh, my. I suppose we’ll be having fish for dinner, then? If there’s truly that much?

how do you dedue: There are buckets on all the tables and benches.

wholesome: That’s...a lot of fish.

fish eisner: Oh sorry

fish eisner: That’s all the extras the kitchen couldn’t take right away

big sigh: did you say...extras

angry cat: did you fish up garreg mach’s entire fish population or what.

fish eisner: Not the entire population

fish eisner: Gonna take a lot of this to the market to sell, too

dimaaa: Would you like help, Byleth?

fish eisner: If you have the time 😊

angry cat: too much tension. gonna throw up.

this just ingrid: Felix, we weren’t going to point it out.

fish eisner: ????

wholesome: Oh boy…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> blue lions:  
> Annette - aannnniiee  
> Ashe - wholesome  
> Byleth - fish eisner  
> Dedue - how do you dedue  
> Dimitri - dimaaa  
> Felix - angry cat  
> Hapi - big sigh  
> Ingrid - this just ingrid  
> Mercedes - cookie dealer  
> Sylvain - Thot 4 Hire
> 
> See you soon~


	6. sir alois fell in the pond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here fishy fishy fishy, come along for your doom~
> 
> there will be at least one other chapter today, i know this one’s short. have your first non-house chat, guys.
> 
> enjoy.

**to fish or not to fish (4)**

_ cheese eisner, fish eisner, fishsticks, im sleepy boii _

fishsticks: I had the most fun today, everyone! It was truly a delight to fish in your presence!

cheese eisner: linhardt fell asleep on the dock halfway through

im sleepy boii: this is true

cheese eisner: byleth reeled a fish in with so much enthusiasm that it smacked sir shamir in the face

fish eisner: Can’t wait for my death

cheese eisner: sir alois fell in the pond

im sleepy boii: that was amusing

fishsticks: But despite all that, I spent a truly incredible time with all my friends! It was truly delightful!

fish eisner: You’re just happy the kitchen is going to be serving fish for a week straight

fishsticks: ...Well, yes.

fishsticks: But can you blame me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to fish or not to fish...that is the question.
> 
> join the meme alliance anonymous discord for this fic! join me and my bff/emotional support beta (more emotional support less betaing). i promise we’re fun.  
> https://discord.gg/5uYrNEC
> 
> Thank you so much for the support so far! I love you guys. 💖


	7. LYSITHEA DUMPED YOU ON YOUR ASS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told you there’d be another chapter today you guys.
> 
> enjoy~

**the tea agenda (11)**

_ Actual Princess, bernie bear, Coco, coffee grounds, dorothea’s hat, edie, fishsticks, here sir have a dagger, im sleepy boii, Majestic Hair von Aegir, smol but wild _

Majestic Hair von Aegir: Today is a glorious day! I must mark it down on my calendar forevermore!

Majestic Hair von Aegir: Hubert von Vestra...beaten in a magic tournament! Ah, life is delightful.

here sir have a dagger: she took you down with one spell that shit was GREAT

coffee grounds: Hmph.

edie: Come now, Hubert, you can always get your revenge again next month.

smol but wild: LYSITHEA DUMPED YOU ON YOUR ASS

dorothea’s hat: I have to admit...it was entertaining.

Coco: My own loss to Hubert seems inconsequential now! Of course, I shall ever endeavor to rise higher with my own spellcraft, but this kind of revenge truly is quite sweet!

im sleepy boii: the golden deer are going to yawn be insufferable yawn

edie: Linhardt, are you using speech text again?

im sleepy boii: szzzzzhgfsbj

coffee grounds: He has no room to talk anyway. He lost in the first round.

here sir have a dagger: someone’s bitter they lost

Majestic Hair von Aegir: Indeed! Hubert appears to be as bitter as the drink he so loves!

dorothea’s hat: Oh, Ferdie, how long have you been holding that joke in?

Majestic Hair von Aegir: At least a week, dear Dorothea.

here sir have a dagger: we’re a mess

here sir have a dagger: i love it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am i showing favoritism to caspar by giving him all the black eagles chapter titles? MAYBE SO
> 
> see you soon~


	8. CAKE? I WANT CAKE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again once again with the good ol’ meme alliance. I love them SO MUCH.

**meme alliance (10)**

_ 84 abs, art boner, cheese eisner, leosbian, let there be meat, no 1 queer deer, Not A Child, sir im fragile, Sir Mayonnaise, talented brilliant incredible _

_ 4:35 pm. _

no 1 queer deer: FEAR THE DEER

leosbian: FEAR THE DEER

sir im fragile: FEAR THE DEER

let there be meat: FEAR THE DEER

talented brilliant incredible: Lysithea you...were amazing…

Not A Child: Thank you, Marianne.

Not A Child: I did quite enjoy the look on Hubert’s face after his complete and utter destruction.

Not A Child: It was quite satisfying.

84 abs: ur so bldthrsty, pipsqueak

no 1 queer deer: i’m never letting edelgard forget this

no 1 queer deer: lys we’ll go for cake on our next free day

Not A Child: C-CAKE

Not A Child: DO YOU TRULY MEAN IT CLAUDE

no 1 queer deer: hell yea you deserve it

no 1 queer deer: the look on hubert’s face made my month

let there be meat: CAKE? I WANT CAKE

leosbian: we should ALL go and celebrate a golden deer victory

art boner: That would be fun…

cheese eisner: seteth says we can go after dinner as long as we’re back before curfew

84 abs: cnt me in

Not A Child: EVERYONE, EAT FAST.

_ 6:07pm _

Sir Mayonnaise: I am waiting by the gate to leave for our Golden Deer outing.

_ 6:21pm _

Sir Mayonnaise: Are you all still partaking in supper?

_ 6:38pm _

Sir Mayonnaise: ...You all left without me, I can only presume.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will i ever stop dragging lorenz? probably not.
> 
> thank you guys, again, for all the support. have all my love and affection!


	9. GAUTIER GO STAB YOURSELF ON YOUR LANCE (and other conversations)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A series of shorter conversations I couldn’t stretch out into their own chapters taking place the morning after last chapter.
> 
> Fun fact I almost pasted this chapter into the title bar I NEED A NAP.

**nobilitea (3)**

_ Coco, Majestic Hair von Aegir, Sir Mayonnaise _

Sir Mayonnaise: Would you two care to have tea with me tomorrow? Just the three of us?

Coco: I would be absolutely delighted, Lorenz! I picked up some new sweets this weekend that would be perfect for classy tea with my noble compatriots!

Majestic Hair von Aegir: That sounds perfect, Lorenz. Should we convene just before lunch time?

Sir Mayonnaise: Indeed, I believe that would be the prime part of the day to partake in finer luxuries. 

Coco: Fabulous! I cannot wait!

* * *

**dorothea’s hat → bernie bear**

dorothea’s hat: Bernie, dear, are you planning to come out of your room today? Class starts in five minutes.

bernie bear: nononononononononononononononononono

dorothea’s hat: Is it alright if I send you some company then? Marianne?

bernie bear: uhm. i guess.

bernie bear: onlyifshewantstoidon’tneedherokayokay

dorothea’s hat: Okay Bernie. I love you.

bernie bear: iloveyoutoothea

* * *

**faerghus fabulous four (4)**

_ angry cat, dimaaa, this just ingrid, Thot 4 Sale _

this just ingrid: Professor Hanneman has forced me to give Sylvain back his phone. Apologies in advance.

angry cat: oh great. just what i wanted to hear today.

Thot 4 Sale: Felix, sweetheart, that hurts!

angry cat: I’M NOT YOUR SWEETHEART GAUTIER GO STAB YOURSELF ON YOUR LANCE.

dimaaa: Don’t do that, I need you.

Thot 4 Sale: Oh, yea, Dima? ;)

dimaaa: Not like that, Sylvain.

this just ingrid: Honestly, when will you grow up?

Thot 4 Sale: For you? Never

angry cat: I’M GOING TO STAB YOU.

* * *

**how do you dedue → dimaaa**

how do you dedue: Is that Sylvain screaming again, your highness?

dimaaa: Yes. Felix is ‘showing his affection’ again.

how do you dedue: I’ll just ignore it, then.

dimaaa: A wise choice.

* * *

**cheese eisner → Sir Mayonnaise**

cheese eisner: i apologize for last night

cheese eisner: we actually didn’t mean to leave you behind

Sir Mayonnaise: Pardon my candor, but I find that hard to believe.

cheese eisner: well i can’t speak for everyone but i didn’t even notice you weren’t with us until we were at the dessert restaurant

cheese eisner: i brought back rose chocolate cupcakes for you

cheese eisner: i’ll give them to you after class

Sir Mayonnaise: ...Thank you, Brielle.

cheese eisner: if you ever tell anyone about this conversation i’ll deny it

Sir Mayonnaise: Noted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the emotional support beta and Drago for giving me some of the ideas in this chapter.
> 
> DISCORD:  
> https://discord.gg/5uYrNEC


	10. What, specifically, is a three am cookie?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i said the blue lions were disasters i wasn’t kidding...
> 
> Shoutout to Drago for giving me the idea of Dedue’s part in this chapter. This idea literally had me IN TEARS.
> 
> enjoy.

**we don’t claim sylvain (10)**

_ aannnniiee, angry cat, big sigh, cookie dealer, dimaaa, fish eisner, how do you dedue, this just ingrid, Thot 4 Sale, wholesome _

_ 2:54am. _

big sigh: why do i always wake up to one of you scurrying around at ass o’clock in the morning JUST LET ME SLEEP

angry cat: well, maybe if you actually slept in a bed instead of on the common room floor.

this just ingrid: You’re no better, Felix, I always find you passed out in the training grounds.

Thot 4 Sale: Hapi and Felix are the Blue Lion cryptids confirmed?

big sigh: SHUT UP SYLVAIN

angry cat: FUCK OFF.

aannnniiee: HAPI I’M SORRY FOR WAKING YOU UP I WAS STRESS BAKING THREE AM COOKIES I’M SORRYYYYYYYY

dimaaa: What, specifically, is a three am cookie?

angry cat: inedible.

aannnniiee: Feeeeellliiiixxx! You’re so mean to me ):

wholesome: Maybe the reason we lost the mock battle two years in a row isn’t because the other students are better, but because NO ONE SLEEPS.

wholesome: EVERYONE PLEASE GO TO SLEEP.

big sigh: uh-oh we pissed off ashe

Thot 4 Sale: What if we don’t want to go to sleep

wholesome: Dedue, go.

Thot 4 Sale: WhaGJKRDDBHHTRDHVDTHCSE

angry cat: WHAT THE FUCK DEDUE.

Thot 4 Sale: THAT WAS THE SCARIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE

this just ingrid: What happened?

angry cat: he slammed the door open, stared at us from the doorway, then t-posed while glaring.

Thot 4 Sale: IN NOTHING BUT A PAIR OF BOXERS

aannnniiee: Okayokayokay im going to bed GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE

this just ingrid: Wait...Felix, are you in Sylvain’s room?

angry cat: yes.

how do you dedue: They’re cuddling.

big sigh: fuck my grades i need more content like this

wholesome: NO. EVERYBODY SLEEP.

_ 7:34am. _

fish eisner: Wow, Felix wasn’t kidding

fish eisner: These cookies really are inedible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The love you guys have shown on this fic completely blows me away...I love you all dearly! 💖
> 
> DISCORD:  
> https://discord.gg/5uYrNEC  
> Please note that my timezone is Pacific Standard Time! I may not always be up when you’re around, but my sleep schedule can get pretty wacky so I might also actually be there when you are! 💖💖
> 
> See you soon~


	11. its a date, hubertson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yuri is my fav dont come for my throat.
> 
> Enjoy~

**the tea agenda (11)**

_ Actual Princess, bernie bear, Coco, coffee grounds, dorothea’s hat, edie, fishsticks, here sir have a dagger, im sleepy boii, Majestic Hair von Aegir, smol but wild _

smol but wild: I cant believe HUBERTS DEAD

dorothea’s hat: I know, right?

coffee grounds: I will assassinate you.

dorothea’s hat: I dare you to try, Hubie dear.

Actual Princess: I do not ever recall Hubert failing this much past year! What an odd occurrence.

smol but wild: SAY IT AGAIN PETRA

coffee grounds: It isn’t even a big deal.

coffee grounds: I can take them again next week.

im sleepy boii: but you still failed the exam and theyre never going yo let it go

coffee grounds: Thanks ever so much for your input, Linhardt.

edie: You have been...off, this week, without your coffee.

coffee grounds: Lady Edelgard!!

here sir have a dagger: ouch, the truth reall does hurt huh hubie

coffee grounds: Your rogues will not save you, Lecleric.

here sir have a dagger: that sounds like a challenge

coffee grounds: Meet me in the training grounds in fifteen.

here sir have a dagger: its a date, hubertson

coffee grounds: That’s not my name.

smol but wild: OR IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT US TO THINK

coffee grounds: I Hate It Here.

bernie bear: me too bitch you aint special

dorothea’s hat: Darling, did you just meme?

smol but wild: BEST. DAY. EVER.


	12. cnt believe claude is gng 2 trn prof *redacted* in2 a memer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant for this to be longer and more of a reveal about the new professor but...I just couldn’t make it happen.
> 
> this is a crack fic and not plotty anyways soooooo.

**meme alliance (10)**

_ 84 abs, art boner, cheese eisner, leosbian, let there be meat, no 1 queer deer, Not A Child, sir im fragile, Sir Mayonnaise, talented brilliant incredible _

no 1 queer deer: oh my gosh

leosbian: surprisingly i’m not disappointed

Not A Child: I was wondering who was going to replace Professor Whatshisface. I am very excited.

84 abs: wnt 2 brawl him

Sir Mayonnaise: To have such a proficient and excellent weapons master as our new professor...and a member of nobility as well! We are truly blessed.

cheese eisner: i think i can beat him

leosbian: ME TOO LET’S DUEL THE PROFESSOR

let there be meat: COUNT ME IN

sir im fragile: you’re all going to get yourselves killed

84 abs: cnt believe claude is gng 2 trn prof jeritza in2 a memer

no 1 queer deer: I ALREADY HAVE A PLAN ITS GOING TO BE SO GREAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the end of the year jeritza is going to be sit behind the professor’s desk wearing antlers and monotoning “fear the dear” at seteth it’s going to be great.
> 
> discord, if you wish to join our chaos:  
> https://discord.gg/5uYrNEC

**Author's Note:**

> can you guess who holds admin rights for meme alliance
> 
> (i didn't forget about raphael, be patient with me)
> 
> golden deer usernames:  
> Balthus - 84 abs  
> Brielle - cheese eisner  
> Claude - no 1 queer deer  
> Hilda - sir im fragile  
> Ignatz - art boner  
> Leonie - leosbian  
> Lorenz - Sir Mayonnaise  
> Lysithea - Not A Child  
> Marianne - talented brilliant incredible  
> Raphael - let there be meat
> 
> See you soon <3


End file.
